After You Read This There Will Be No Need For You To Watch Major League Baseball In 09

I apologize to all you hardcore baseball fans out there. I am about to correctly predict the outcome for every division in the league and foresee the match-ups and outcomes for each playoff series. You could all heed my warning, but you are all probably to enthralled by my writing, which is intriguing as fuck, to stop reading this post. Sorry guys, but here goes nothing.
(I also want to note that this is written in a completely unbiased fashion as you will quickly see by my AL East prediction. Keep in mind that the famed writers at The Crick are notorious for their New England sports teams fandom.)
AL East
1. Rays- Remember last year when B.J. Upton and Evan Longoria literally hit home runs every time they came to the plate in last year's ALCS against the Red Sox? Yea well I expect that to continue. Not to mention their pitching staff consists of some of the best young arms in baseball, with David Price bubbling under the surface. Combine that with their cool ass manager Joe Maddon and the Angel Ray's will prove that 08 was no fluke.
2. Yankees- They would have been in the number one slot if it weren't for all this A-Rod hoopla. Their $498 trillion payroll will actually pay off for them this year. They invested some of that in actual pitching this time around. While I realize AJ Burnett's arm is made of glass and that CC hasn't proved himself against the AL East yet, I just can't see a team this talented not winning 95+ games which will ensure them the Wild Card spot.
3. Red Sox- It certainly pains me to say this, but I just can't see the Sox finishing higher than either of the previous two teams this year. They came one game short of the series last year, but if it weren't for that miracle comeback against the Rays in Game 5 of the ALCS we would have been done a lot earlier. I love all the extensions they've made with Youk, Pedroia, and Lester, but the signings they've made of other free agents don't excite me. They've penned a bunch of older injured players(Smoltz, Penny, Baldelli) who if they can contribute then maybe the Sox will have a shot, but there's just too many question marks at this point.
4. Blue Jays
5. Orioles
AL Central
1. Detroit Tigers- Before the season last year they were one of the chic picks to win it all. They pretty much sucked but hey it's a new year. Their offense is still pretty dirt with Magglio and Miguel Cabrera holding down the middle of the lineup. I suspect D-Train will have a comeback year and Verlander and Bonderman will both have near 20 win seasons.
2. Cleveland Indians- While I think Grady Sizemore may be the most overrated player in the league he can still play, and Fausto Carmona will emerge as the ace.
3. White Sox
4. Twins
5. Royals- You feel bad for these guys yet?
AL West
1. Angels- They may actually do some damage in the playoffs this year as the Red Sox won't be around to boot em in the first round.
2. A's- Matt Holliday signing was a good idea... that's all I have to say about this team.
3. Rangers- They'll ride the sobering euphoric wave of Josh Hamilton's 321 homers in last year's home run derby to a non last place finish.
4. Mariners
NL East
1. Phillies- Biff can tell you more about them. He lives in Philly.
2. Mets- They'll probably be up 10 games in the division with like 3 games to play and find another way to blow it, this time they hang on for the wild card though.
3.Braves- I hope they don't think Derek Lowe will put them over the top again.
4. Marlins
5. Nationals
NL Central
1. Cubs- At least Carlos Zambrano hasn't made any foolish predictions so far this year, keeping the unneeded pressure off of one of the already most scrutinized teams in baseball.
2. Brewers
3. Cardinals
4. Astros
5. Reds
6. Pirates- They no longer have Jay Bay removing them from any level of respectability.
NL West
1. D-Backs- Haren and Webb in the same rotations is pretty disgusting.
2. Dodgers- They can have Manny and his mediocrity. I stand by my prediction that he will have an average year by his standards.
3. Padres
4. Rockies
5. Giants- Tim Lincecum, at seven years old, will become the youngest Cy Young Winner ever.
AL Playoffs
Rays over Tigers
Yankees over Angels.......... Yankees over Rays
NL Playoffs
Cubs over Mets
D-Backs over Phillies.........D-Backs over Cubs
World Series
D-Backs over Yankees.... I'm being serious here.

Now, I'm sorry I had to take out the drama of the upcoming season, but I am renowned for breaking stories on this site, and I just added another notch under the belt. I know this post was a tad long and had all kinds of hyperlinks that took you away from the entry, half of you probably didn't come back after something in the Iternalnet interested you more than this post, but you will all realize my genius in October.