The Blow-Nuts Brothers

I've been researching The Jonas Brothers lately, because they're famous as fuck and I figure as a critic of pop culture I should know what all the hubbub is about. I was hoping that these dudes would be kind of cool, like they know that what they're doing is selling garbage to retarded 12-year-olds and their even dumber mothers. But the Jonas Brothers actually think that they're a legitimate group of music makers, and they really aren't cool at all.
Their interviews are painful to watch, because the oldest ugliest one clearly has an inferiority complex because he's the least talented and least good-looking. He always sits farthest away in the interviews, and none of the fans even want to do him because he's like 30 and he's old and gross. So he's always trying to make lame jokes and talk over his more popular/"talented" younger brothers. The middle one seems like the coolest but he's also a huge tool because he tries to be funny and he's not that funny, but if I had to hang out with one of them then it would be him. The youngest one is really the biggest embarrassment to America. In interviews he never makes any jokes, and answers every question as seriously as possible with a straight face. Plus he "wrote" this song, which is honestly the biggest affront to the musical world that I've ever heard:

His voice is like the devil running his horns along a chalkboard. The piano and strings sound like some bullshit I would whip up in 3 minutes on GarageBand. The lyrics are even more generic and cliche and embarrassing than Coldplay (I shouldn't even mention Coldplay in this post; it's not fair to Coldplay. They're out there getting an enormous amount of pussy, while the JBs are sitting at home tickling each other and painting their mom's fingernails. They are not going to get with any hot girls because by the time they're "allowed" to have sex they will be even more not famous than Hanson). This song is terrible on so many levels.
I dare you to search "Jonas Brothers Interview" on YouTube and try to watch the interviews without cringing and asking the fates why these toolbags are rich as fuck and you're out there toiling away reading some second-rate shitrag of a blog in your free time.
The JB's also released a 3D concert movie, which so far has opened to terrible reviews (thank God). My favorite comes from Rolling Stone, which says, "It's no mystery that the target audience for this G-rated bubblegum fantasy is tweens, parents of tweens and the occasional pervert. They'll be so pleased. Anything for the rest of humanity? Not so much." I don't usually like Rolling Stone but they hit the nail on the head with this one.
I hate the Jonas Brothers, and I'm not jealous, because I definitely would not want their life: they're virgins who aren't allowed to have sex for the foreseeable future; they spend most of their time with their parents; and they are huge tools who were probably beaten up by other kids which is why they were homeschooled and only hang out with each other. I would not trade my life for that hell-hole. Also they're probably republicans, which really salts my salad.

The Jonas Brothers - Worst Thing of All-Time*

I am proposing that from now one we change the WTOAT rating to "Worst Thing of All-Time (The Jonas Brothers)." We'll see how my proposal goes over at the Metacricket shareholders meeting.