Rating the Grammy Performances

I didn't watch the Grammys because they're pointless and lame. They award shitty music like the Jonas Brothers and totally overlook anything that didn't sell 5 million+ copies.
Ne'ertheless, some of the performances are usually worthwhile. Last year Kanye and Daft Punk totally rocked it when they tricked out "Stronger," and then Kanye gave us a glimpse at his new 808's swag with the sad version of "Hey Mama."
The 2009 Gramaphones had some pretty dope performances, highlighted by this fucking mind-blowing live "Paper Planes"/"Swagga Like Us" medley.



There are so many bomb things going on in this video that my brain almost exploded.
Firstly, MIA is pregnant, but she is still unexplainably hot AND more than holds her own on stage with the titans of contemporary hip-hop. Who would have thought that we'd see the day when a pregnant lady would threaten to out-swag Jay-Z?
Kanye usually looks fresh to death, but I'm not 100 percent sold on his bizarre afro-mullet. It's sort of his thing to take white people style and make it 20 times cooler, and he's clearly taken the mullet, chopped it up, sped it up, put some heavy drums over it, and made it his own. If anyone can pull off an afro-mullet, it's Kanye, but I'm still only like 80 percent sold. Although he is the only person in the world with two thumbs and a Louie shoe. But Kanye's energy on stage is unmatched, as anyone who saw the Glow in the Dark Tour knows, and he totally fucking killed this shit.
Unfortunately for 'ye, HOVA the God wins it all again. Christ Jesus. Just his physical presence is enough to make you J in your P's. You can learn how to dress just by jocking his fresh. He dresses conservatively pretty much all the time, but his swag is so fucking unique and bad-ass that no one can touch him. No one on the corner has swagger like Jay-Z. Literally. I got goose bumps during Jay's verse when Kanye threw up the diamond. Also, Jay's sunglasses were fucking fresh to death, and I plan on purchasing a pair as soon as I shelve enough books at the library.
I'm pretty sure Lil Wayne's brain is 95 percent destroyed, but he surprisingly brought some energy to this performance. Maybe he didn't want to be upstaged by everyone else, or maybe he decided not to abuse cough syrup because he had to make a speech later. Either way, his performance was adequate, but he clearly got tired and had to sit down during TI's verse.
TI's verse on the studio version of this song is by far the best, but he couldn't pull it off live. It's too bad, because his verse is hot crack flakes, but his performance here was merely JV.
I wasn't sure if this song would be good live, but OMG it was so good. The electric guitars were sick and sounded better than the grimy synths that Kanye used for the original. The first two verses were absolutely classical, but Wayne and TI couldn't keep up with the ROC-stars.

"Swagga Like Us" - Sooo Sick

Next up we have another Jay-Z collab, this time with Chris Martin, who's proven that he's kind of actually pretty awesome at producing hot hip-hop. Well after Chris's cute little piano ditty, Jay comes on stage and HOLY FUCK he killed this shit so hard.



Seriously, Jay-Z almost salvaged the Grammys. Unfortunately he was only on stage for like 70 seconds and then shitty Coldplay had to start doing their own thing. But Jay killed it once again.

Coldplay - Pretty shitty
Jay-Z "Lost" acoustic - Sooo sick

Wayne was pretty much the biggest star of the year, so he obviously had to have his own performance. I give him mad props for actually choosing "Tie My Hands," the best and smartest song off of Tha Carter 3.



As I said before, Wayne didn't seem strung out last night, which is great because we actually got to see what he was like back in the day before his brain turned into diarrhea (or is it, as he puts it, menstrual bleed?).

"Tie My Hands" live - Sick

I guess I had to save the most embarrassing, maddening, shittiest thing for last.
Stevie Wonder is pretty much the reason I get out of bed in the morning, other than having to go to class and being hungry. But Stevie is a transcendent figure in the music industry, and I would argue that he is the single most-talented musician/song-writer of all-time. SO WHY THE FUCK IS HE SHARING THE STAGE WITH THE AWFUL MIND-NUMBING LAME LAME LAME JONAS BROTHERS!??!!??!!?



There are so many things about this performance that make me want to go Van Gogh on both my ears.
Stevie actually manages to add some soul to the Jonas Bruhs' terrible song, but they ruin it by dancing around thinking that they look cool and shouting lame encouragement like "Show me what ya got Stevie!" Stevie knows what the fuck he's got. He's known it since he transformed the industry and made 5 straight unreal albums all on his own, unlike the pre-packaged, heavily marketed talentless Jonas Brothers. He's known it for fucking 40 years. Also why did the lead-singer Jonas tool have to ruin the amazing talk-box solo by yelling "Come on Stevie!" I hate them so much.
Oh but wait, they get better at ruining things!!!! "Superstition" is one of the greatest songs ever written, so it would make sense that dude asks, "Mind if I take this Stevie?" and then DOESN'T KNOW THE FUCKING WORDS (start watching at 2:43). Are the Jonas Brothers for real? I bet if Stevie were able to see how lame they all looked jumping around the stage and "riffing" in front of him then he would be mad.
This is why The Grammys suck: they pair up artists like the Jonas Brothers with Stevie Wonder, and the result makes my ears bleed worse than the fucking davedays Paper Planes massacre.

The Jonas Brothers ruining music - Worst Thing of All-Time