Cwack a Bottoh

I know I'm late on this, but I've got a lot of shit on my plate, so go fuck yourself.
Evenways, I recently downloaded the new Dr. Dre jam, "Crack a Bottle." As we all know, this song features accomplished and skilled rapper Eminem, as well as Vitamin Water front-man/steroid analyst Curtis Jackson. God he was insightful in that ESPN interview.
This song has been analyzed to death already by the hordes of intelligent intellectuals over at the YouTube comments section, but I figured I should get my two centsticles in, because we live in America and I didn't watch my buddies die face down in the muck not to exploit my internet fame. Here is the song if you want to listen to it while you jerk off to tha 'cricket:

(Quick note: I chose to embed the video with a blue border because, well, I'd never seen a blue bordered embedded video before and I wanted to see one.)
So personally I extremely enjoy this song. The production is classic Dre. The descending piano riff in the lower register goes fucking hard as fuck, and the high keys are reminiscent of Still D.R.E., which we all know is a beat straight outta hell (or Compton; and when I say "straight outta hell" I mean like it's sick and everyone liked it).
The drums don't get in the way, and they have that original Dre crunch that we heard on "Xxplosive," which as we all know inspired Kanye West to become a producer. The point is, the drums complement the piano perfectly because they're grimy yet refined, which is a sound and swag that Dre has mastered over the years.
Personally I'm a big fan of Eminem's hook. I read one review that said it was "too wordy," but whoever wrote that clearly has a slow brain or didn't drink enough coffee the morning they listened to it. I have a fast brain and I drank a shitload of coffee this morning, which explains why I'm posting like a madman but also perhaps explains why I love this shit out of this hook. Anyway, it's catchy and funny. Pretty much classic Marshall.
Em's verse is just quintessential Eminem: irreverent, charming, and witty (I know I'm using some huge words here, but try and keep up. I hope that stupid reviewer doesn't think our blog is too wordy. If it was we would be on wordpress, not blogger). Lines like "Kiss my butt, lick my wonder cheese from under my nuts" remind us of why we fell in love with Em in the first place, and lines like these are just straight lyrical homicide, or "lyricide:"

Its a must. I redeem my name and haters get mushed.
Bitches lust. Man they love me when I lay in the cut.
Fist the cut. The lady give her eighty some paper cut.
Now picture us. Its ridiculous you curse at the thought
Cuz when I spit the verse the shit
gets worse and worse cuz your soft

These lines just show us how talented Slim Shady really is on the mic (he did murder the alphabet The Slim Shady LP). I mean look at this rhyme scheme. It's fucking nuts. He's got like 90 internal rhymes in one line. The man is a modern-day Robert Frost. No but seriously this is the kind of shit Rakim used to spit that revolutionized the game. Hopefully Em brings more of this on his new album. Plus he's white, so if you say he's bad then you're just a racist (No, not a "reverse-racist," because that doesn't exist. Just a straight racist).
Dre's verse is good enough; he goes hard and tells us that he's rich and shit. It's good enough, it functions within the boundaries of the song, but his songs are all about his beats. He gets his on the mic, but his job is to shine on the boards. As far as I'm concerned he gets a pass for any of his verses (Case in point: "Nuthin' But A 'G' Thang" is considered one of the best rap songs of all-time, even though Dre spits awful shit like "Never let me slip, cuz if I slip them I'm slippin." How existential. The beat is infectious, Snoop kills it on the guest lock, and that's all we care about. Who cares what Dre says. He's a producer, not a rapper).
Now, I thought 50 Cent's value as a rapper was down to like a nickel by now (GET IT!?!?!? IT'S A JOKE ABOUT HIS NAME BEING AN AMOUNT OF MONEY AND LIKE, NOW THAT HE SUCKS AT RAPPING IT'S LIKE HIS NAME SHOULD BE LIKE LESS MONEY OR SOME SHIT!!! GET IT??? HOW FUNNY AM I!??!!?!?), but personally I think he kind of brings it on this song. After his stupid singing interlude, he spits some fire:

I’m the napalm the bomb the don I’m King Kong
Get rolled on wrapped up and reigned on
I’m so calm through Vietnam ring the alarm
Bring the shaun dawn burn marajuan do what you want
Nigga on and on till the break of what
Get the paper man i’m caking you know i don’t give a fuck

I was praising Em's complex rhymes earlier, so it's only fair that I give 50 (or is it 5? HAHAHAH!!!) some props for these flames. He fits like 40 rhymes into four lines, which is hard no matter what. Biggie was the best at this kind of shit: sometimes he would rhyme every word in a line, and obviously a more skilled rapper would do this better, but I give mad props to 50 for trying and pulling it off pretty well. He didn't get embarrassed on this song. Overall, this song busts hard, and I for sure will be bumping it at some house parties this summer, and I bet everyone will get really into it and sing the hook loudly while holding their Natty Ice in the air.

"Crack a Bottle" - Sooo sick